Dante in the Midsts
by IseultLaBelle
Summary: 'She's back in the SARC counsellor's office again, head a mess, frightened, constantly on edge, exhausted, body screaming out under the weight of aches and pains in places she hadn't even known before could hurt.' Alicia tries to work through her emotions in the aftermath of her rape. Currently a one shot, potentially a series of different one shots.


**This story is designed to be read in two different ways.**

 **If you haven't read my multichapter Finding Avalon, you can read it as a stand-alone story. If you enjoy this, then you'll probably like Finding Avalon, but you don't need to know anything about that story to read this one.**

 **If you do follow Finding Avalon, you can read this as a prequel- I've deliberately set it a few months before Finding Avalon begins.**

 ** _December, 2027_**

"What does raped mean?"

Four simple words. That's all it is, all the question she poses.

But she catches Alicia so off-guard, unprepared, for this struggle she'll now face, that she freezes for a moment.

For those brief moment- just seconds, nothing more, but seconds that seem to drag on for a lifetime- she's back there again.

Not there; not with him.

 _She's back in the SARC counsellor's office again, head a mess, frightened, constantly on edge, exhausted, body screaming out under the weight of aches and pains in places she hadn't even known before could hurt, let alone so badly, constantly snapping and lashing out and creating problems which aren't really there whenever she's at work and bursting into tears out of nowhere whenever she's alone, determined that she's coping, that she needs to just get over it and doing a terrible job of it, dragged into the counsellor's office against her will by Bea and everything she's saying just seems to be confirming that it's not simple, that it's not… that she was stupid, that she got herself into this awful mess and she was just going to have to live with the consequences, try to get over it… Eddie… she'd have to go back to work with Eddie, couldn't avoid him, she'd have to try to block it all out somehow, swap as many of her shifts as she could for the time being and just get over it, except she couldn't… she couldn't…_

 _She can't…_

"Mammy!"

Just in time, thank god, but far, far later than she should have, she takes in the red lights at the junction, slams on the breaks, emergency stops, practically on top of the tail of the car in front but at least she hasn't hit it, still a definite gap between them, though rather on the small side.

Shit…

She hasn't come that close to slamming into the back of another car for what must be over a decade now, not since Elle was teaching her to drive, and all of a sudden, her heart is pounding in her chest, head spinning, that old, familiar fear from long ago setting in all over again.

She could have slammed into the car in front, she could have killed her, her own daughter…

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," she stammers, forces herself to focus, turns, grabs her hand, meets her eyes for just a moment to ensure she's alright before she turns her attention back to the traffic lights… concentrate, she needs to concentrate. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that. You're okay? You sure? I'm sorry…"

"Is it a bad word?"

Her own blue eyes blink up at her from the passenger seat, curiosity mixed in with confusion and just a trace of guilt, as though she knows; or maybe she doesn't, maybe she doesn't know exactly, but she has an inkling, at least.

"What? No, no, it's not a bad word, it's… it's the opposite of a bad word… well, it's not…" she's making such a mess of this, but her heart is racing too fast for her to think straight, and she can't stop, can't take a moment to remind herself how to breathe and work out how on earth she's supposed to tackle this, not with her daughter watching her intently.

"What I mean is, it's not a taboo word, okay? Do you know what that means?"

"Something you shouldn't talk about?"

"Yep, that's it. It's not something to be ashamed of, okay, it's perfectly fine to talk about it, you shouldn't be afraid to use it… but it's… what I mean is it's an adult word," Alicia tries carefully. "It's a word you shouldn't use unless you're absolutely sure you're using it right, you shouldn't joke about it, you shouldn't talk about it casually… it's not the kind of word I'd expect someone your age to know," she realises at last; her brain seems to be working in slow motion. "You're a bit too young to know about… that… just yet. Where did you hear that word?"

"Last night, at Jade's house." The lights have turned green, but out of the corner of her eye as she pulls away, Alicia can see her daughter fidgeting awkwardly, as though aware she's about to land her mother's colleague in a whole load of trouble come their next shift together. "Jade had the TV on in the kitchen, and she thought I was asleep in the living room with Charlotte, but I couldn't really sleep, and on the TV a woman called Olivia with an angry voice was shouting at a man that he raped someone called Makenna… the other characters were calling her Olivia, and a man with an even angrier voice kept shouting that he didn't… rape… her. And then Olivia was talking to some other people who weren't angry and they said that the man with the angry voice definitely raped Makenna, but they needed more… more… more evidence. Or they couldn't go to court. And then they all started shouting again."

"Right, okay... And did they have American accents?"

"I think so."

"Okay. Okay, I think I know what you're talking about. I'm… I'm going to ask you some more questions about last night when we get home."

She should have known better, she should have known so much better than to trust Jade with her daughter, should never have allowed herself to be persuaded by Robyn's apparent ease with the whole thing…

"What was it?"

"Oh… I think it's a TV show for grown-ups called Law and Order. It's meant for people much, much older than you, you're not watching that until you're at least, I don't know, seventeen, or something."

The Special Victims Unit version, for god's sake, of all things... She's going to _kill_ Jade when she next sees her, she knew it was a terrible idea to let her take her daughter back to hers overnight, she _knew_ , but they had all been called in to assist with a major incident, train crash just outside Holby Central, and she and Robyn had been out of last-minute childcare options, Jade had been just coming off her own shift, it had seemed like the only viable solution…

Alicia only knows at all because she went through a strange phase of binge-watching the SVU Law and Order after it happened, after Eddie. It was before her pained confession to Bea, before the SARC counsellor, back when she was desperately trying to convince herself that wasn't what it was at all, and she's never quite gotten her head around the attraction of it; no further than wondering if it was all part of her attempts to rationalise it in her head, searching in vain for an episode that might touch upon it how it had happened to her and settle her doubts either way, once and for all.

Either that, or she had found it strangely comforting, the idea that she wasn't alone, the idea that other women knew this pain too, fictional or otherwise.

Now she thinks about it again with some distance, forces herself to go through it all in her head, Alicia wonders if perhaps it was the latter, more than anything else.

She's going to murder Jade when she next sees her.

"So… sorry, sweetheart, I'm just trying to get this straight in my head… so you and Charlotte were asleep in the living room, or Jade thought you were asleep, and then you went to watch TV in the kitchen with Jade and she didn't notice? Or did she let you watch?"

"No. I was in the living room, but I couldn't sleep, and the TV was really loud, so I could hear what the people on the TV programme were saying. But what does it mean, though? Raped?"

 _When the dark wood fell before me,_

 _And all the paths were overgrown,_

 _When the priests of pride say there is no other way,_

 _I tilled the sorrows of stone._

She feels as though she's floating through a dream world, of sorts, disassociated from reality, trapped in a nightmare scenario she never imagined she'd have to deal with so soon, unprepared, and she needs to pull herself together, she needs to come up with an adequate response to deliver to her daughter, her seven-year-old daughter, she thought she had years before this…

How is she supposed to explain it in a way that's age appropriate, in a way that she'll be able to understand, without traumatising her, without exposing her to an evil she never wanted her to know so young, because she's _seven_ , she's practically still a baby, she shouldn't have any awareness at all of this but she's going to have to change that now, she's going to have to explain at least a little, because how can she just leave it…

How is she supposed to handle this with her child when she can barely work out how to approach it all herself, still struggles to make sense of it a little now, after almost a decade?

Can she even force herself to say it?

"It means…" She's avoiding it, and perhaps she shouldn't, but she doesn't trust herself, can't afford to realise in a few moments' time that she's pushed herself too hard, too far, and dissolve into tears, not coming up on the motorway junction, not alone with her daughter.

She's still so young, impressionable, has inherited all of her father's talent for worrying about absolutely anything and everything that happens to cross her path, and none of her mother's ability to cast it all aside and pay it some thought only if it happens, only if it becomes a problem (and perhaps that isn't always the healthiest attitude either, not really, not in every set of circumstances, but in times like this Alicia wishes she would).

Somehow, she needs to approach this in a way her daughter can understand, but equally a way which isn't going to result in weeks of nightmares.

Why did nobody ever warn her parenting could be like this?

"It means… when a man… does something to a woman that she doesn't want him to do," Alicia tries carefully, rummages in the car door compartment for a stay packet of tissues, inwardly curses. "Or a woman to a man, sometimes. Or a woman to a woman, or a man… you get what I mean. But it's… it means specifically… you know what specifically means, right? Okay. It means specifically… specifically when someone touches you… down there, in a particular way. Which they shouldn't, alright, no one should never do that. And so you say no, you always have to say no, if anyone does anything to you that you don't want them to do, not just that. You must have been told that in school, right? But if you say no, and the other person don't stop doing… that… then that's when it's called… rape. It's a really horrible, serious crime, that's probably why the… the people on the telly sounded so angry when they were talking about it."

"Do you think they were police?"

"Yes, they were police, that's what Law and Order is. It's about how the police work with lawyers to send people who do bad things to prison, so they can't hurt anyone else."

She's silent for a moment, though it's not over, far from it.

Alicia can practically hear the cogs turning in her mind, trying to make sense of this new information.

"So… if somebody touches you down there, you have to tell them no."

"Exactly. That's exactly right, you always have to tell them no."

Until she'll have to do the making a baby talk with her at eleven, of course, and all of this will go out of the window, but Alicia tells herself she'll worry about that in three years, give or take.

"And if they carry on touching you, that means it's called rape?"

"… Yes." Her mind is all over the place now, coherent thoughts well and truly gone, and she scans the signs at the edge of the motorway for the nearest services, somewhere to pull in, with a little more urgency than she would like to admit. "Yes, that's what it means. But you're not to talk to anyone else about this, okay? None of your friends. This is… this is a very grown up conversation we're having, children shouldn't really know about… about rape. Okay. You promise me you won't mention this to any of your friends?"

"Okay. I promise. Mammy?"

"Hmm?"

"Would it hurt?"

"Yes. Yes, it would hurt. It's a… it's a form of assault, do you know what that means? It means… it's like attack, okay, does that make sense? Yeah? It's like attacking someone. So yes, it would… it would hurt. That's why it's such a serious crime." Alicia grips the steering wheel tightly until her knuckles are white, head spinning, indicates left as the services come into view.

"And… and sometimes, sweetheart… sometimes people it happens to don't really understand what it is. They think it was their fault, or that they didn't say no forcefully enough, or they didn't try to get themselves out of the situation, or they don't realise that the person who hurt them had no right to. Or they let themselves… sometimes, if they know the person who hurt them, they let them twist things, and they end up believing that it wasn't what it really was. But no always means no. Okay? If you say no, if you don't want what the other person wants, that's enough. No one should ever do anything to you that you don't want them to, and definitely never that. We'll talk about this a bit more when you're older. We're… we're just going to stop at the services for a little while, alright? We'll go and find a café, you can even have a hot chocolate if you want… I just need a break from driving for a bit."

"Are you crying?" One brief glance across is enough for Alicia to be sure that her small features are wide, vulnerable, even, with worry. "Mammy?"

"No," Alicia tells her, wipes at her eyes furiously. "No, no I'm not, I… I'm just tired, that's all, I just need to stop for a bit…"

"Did it happen to you?" Her daughter asks quietly, something inexplicable in her tone. Not pity, not quite, more empathetic than that, wise beyond her years, almost as though she understands.

Alicia breathes deeply, fixes her eyes firmly on the road ahead, forces herself to focus.

She can't lie to her.

Not about this.

If she lies to her about this, she teaches her in the process that this is something to be ashamed of, and that's one thing Alicia simply isn't prepared to do.

"Yes. Yes, it happened to me."

"When?"

How can it be that her seven year old is better at quiet compassion than half the ED were, once it was all out in the open, despite her childlike questioning?

"Oh… about two years before you were born. Right before your dad and I got together."

Her daughter nods, accepting, falls silent for a moment as Alicia swings into the parking space.

"What happened to him?" she asks at last.

"To Daddy?" She's confused, just then, and perhaps she's missing the obvious; perhaps it's some kind of subconscious thing, avoiding the topic she can't bear to address, but it doesn't click at first. "We've talked about this, haven't we, Daddy isn't…"

"No." Her daughter shakes her head, eyes wide, serious. "To the man who hurt you."

Absentmindedly, Alicia ponders on her choice of noun. It's interesting, surely; she's been so careful in how she's approached this, tried so hard to present her with a balanced perspective, unbiased, emphasise to her that men and women can be both the predator and the victim in this particular scenario, and yet her daughter has automatically settled on 'man.'

How much of the world's insistent patriarchy has she picked up on already, still so young?

"He… he went to prison for a very long time," Alicia replies at last. "Well, not at first, at first he… at first he was just going to go to prison for a few years, but then some other women came forward, after he pleaded guilty, and then his sentence was extended. He's still in prison now, he's not getting out any time soon."

Her daughter nods, frowns, contemplates for a moment.

"Could it happen to me?"

"No," Alicia lies. "No, it couldn't, sweetheart."

"How do you know that, though? Mammy?"

"Because I won't let it," Alicia says simply, squeezes her hand. "Come on. I promise we won't be long."

Her daughter nods, accepting, takes her hand, skips along beside her across the service station car park.

"Will Santa definitely know we're staying at Great Nana's house for Christmas?"

"Of course he will, he has magical powers. Anyway, he probably prefers delivering to her house, she has a proper chimney."

"Can we go to the museum with the villages from a long time ago?"

"The one in Durham? I think we can probably manage that."

 _Cast your eyes on the ocean,_

 _Cast your soul to the sea,_

 _When the dark night seems endless,_

 _Please remember me._

 **So as you might have gathered, I tried to do something a bit different with this one.**

 **The lyrics are from one of my all-time favourite songs, Dante's Prayer by Loreena McKennitt. Dante's work The Inferno tells the story of his journey through the circles of hell. I believe McKennitt composed it on a train through the Soviet Union during its collapse, but I've always assumed it was Dante's inferno that inspired it on a deeper level, hence the title. I've wanted to do something with Dante's Prayer for years because it's such a beautiful piece of music, I've just been waiting for the right idea to use with it. If you do give it a listen, it gets going properly at about 1:20.**

 **I know this is a bit different to anything I've written in the past, but if you guys don't hate this, my plan is to write a series of oneshots on the theme of Dante in the midsts of hell, using parts of Dante's Prayer lyrics as prompts, and with Alicia and her working through her rape in the aftermath as Dante and hell. They would all exist within my Atoms/Avalon universe like this one, but equally be readable as standalone one shots. (I originally wrote this for me, to help ease myself back into Atoms, but then it took on a life of its own).**

 **I have absolutely no idea what you guys are going to make of this one, so reviews would be massively appreciated, and please do feel free to tell me the whole idea is too weird and you hated it! And do let me know if you would like more chapters of this, I would love to write more if you want to read it.**

 **And finally, is anyone else still just a little bit heartbroken that Elliot and Olivia never got together on Law and Order SVU?**

 **-IseultLaBelle x**

 **PS. Casfics, if you're reading this, I'm working on a oneshot as per your request on Let Me Come Back To Your Hand, but you should absolutely write more of your own stuff too, it is ALWAYS wonderful!**


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